FAQ - Relationships

Relationships

Do you have any ideas as a natural substitute for Viagra to boost my sexual performance and drive?

First, explore if there are any emotional components regarding your sex drive or performance. Sometimes our lack of desire can be rooted in underlying problems with communication between our partner and ourselves. Next, are you taking any medications that could interfere with this part of your life? (Anti-depressants like Prozac, Zoloft, etc. can wreak havoc with desire and performance.) Some people have found a benefit from supplements such as ginkgo biloba, ginseng, saw palmetto, or the amino acids arginine and ornithine. A recent article in Natural Health also discussed the possible benefits of the herb muira puama. A study in Paris with 260 individuals who were experiencing impotence and low sexual desire saw a dramatic turnaround when given 1.5 gm of this herbal extract daily for two weeks. Fifty-one percent of these patients saw an increase in sexual performance and 62% felt an increase in their libido. Always check with your doctor before adding any new herb to your daily routine if you are currently taking a prescribed medication.

Do you really think it's possible for a relationship to be recreated after one of the partners has had an affair?

Well, I know it is possible only because it has been accomplished many times between couples in the past. But, that doesn't mean it is easy or will occur quickly. Recently on our show we had numerous people call, both men and women, who had cheated and reclaimed their marriage. Most of the people said it had created a relationship with more depth and love than they ever thought possible. It seemed one of the major keys was the level of sincerity and remorse shown by the one who had strayed. But I firmly believe that while it is easy to put full blame on the one who had sex with someone else, most times the breakdown in communication occurred on both sides . . . not just one. Please read The Monogamy Myth: A Personal Handbook for Recovering from Affairs by Peggy Vaughn, After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful by Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D., and check out www.smartmarriages.com.

A friend is about to undergo a hysterectomy and is fearful of losing her interest in intimacy and closeness with her boyfriend. Do you have any information on this?

While many women are concerned about their loss of "womanhood" and feel they will be less sexual after a hysterectomy, a recent article in the Journal of The American Medical Association states that just the opposite is actually true. Thirteen hundred women were evaluated before and then 3, 6, 12, 18 and 24 months after surgery. The women reported actually having more sex, stronger orgasms, less pain during sex and an increase in sexual desire.

I'm looking to date. I'm 53 years old, excellent health, quite ahtletic, not slightly overweight and look very good. How would you suggest I meet women for friends and eventually long-term relationships? I have never had good luck in bars, of course.

There really is no right answer for everyone, so think of these options: 1) take classes on topics you're interested in; 2) dance lessons or classes; 3) volunteer activities, like working on the organizing committee of a fund-raiser; 4) dating services. I believe the key is just being able to put yourself in front of more like-minded people, without "neediness" and always try to work on ourselves to become more like the partner we are hoping to meet.

I need more information on the couple enhancement techniques you discussed that included creating intimate rituals, etc. Thanks.

This is one area that we all can benefit from — becoming more aware of the need to be mindful daily regarding intimacy with our partner. I was speaking about Tantra. Tantric sex techniques are quite exciting because they help slow us down and bring us back to the basic connections, at a very deep level, between two people — from holding hands the first thing in the morning, taking 60 seconds each day to gaze into your lover's eyes (and soul . . .), lighting candles every evening at dinner, breathing as one during lovemaking, and creating a space where the woman is pleased first in each intimate encounter. To learn more, go to amazon.com or call Canyon Ranch Spa about their Body and Soul Workshops (1-800-742-9000), or contact the Source School of Tantra (1-808-572-8364).

You've spoken recently about books for grieving the loss of a loved one, but what about the feelings one has when they lose a pet? Are there any books on this?

We have discussed in detail two books that can help people to work with their emotions over the loss of a loved one: The Grief Recovery Handbook by Russell Friedman & John James, and Surviving the Loss of a Love by Harold Bloomfield. There are also organizations like the Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement and the Delta Society and books such as Coping with Sorrow on the Loss of Your Pet by Moira Anderson that can help with the distress of losing a loved pet. It's important to acknowledge your feelings when this occurs, release them through writing or talking with friends and family.

I'm facing a situation that many people go through daily, helping my elderly parents in all facets of their care, and wanted any information you have about associations I can get tips from.

There are numerous organizations available that can offer you information and assistance. Here are a few:

Children of Aging Parents (800-227-7294).
National Family Caregivers Association (800-896-3650)
Some web sites to consider, too, are Caregiver Resources, Elderweb, and AARP.

You mentioned recently warning signs to be aware of that children who need help exhibit. Please print these. Maybe we can stop another tragedy from occurring with this information.

The following list was printed in USA Today by Carol Freeman, a psychologist with Port Jervis, NY, Middle School. I recommend that this list be reprinted and given to every parent and teacher so that we may all become more aware of children who are in need of support.

• Lack of remorse: children who do not express regret for errant behavior.
• Sudden secrecy.
• Cruelty to animals: a real red flag, something that should be taken very seriously.
• Need to win at ALL costs.
• Defiant and combative.
• Change in friends: they may be reluctant to share them with parents.

Mentions of depression, ostracism at school and suicide should always be taken seriously. Expression of discontent through writings, art, music and counseling can diffuse the negative pent-up anger that leads to the tragedy we've all been exposed to . . . too frequently.

Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-999-9999.

It can be very beneficial to have teens (and adults, too, for that matter) read writings from other people who have struggled. Our book Phoenix Soul began as a way for me to express my frustrations and sorrows about the path my life was following, both professionally and personally. When we are struggling in life, we do feel isolated, we feel no one would understand and that no one else has these dark fears and insecurities. In my struggles to understand my emotions, the release through reading and writing my story brought great relief. I know these writing can help many others who find themselves there.

In your book there is a writing that states something similar to "all wars end when just one opponent is left." I assume you are writing about relationships. I'm intrigued by your thought here as I tend to find myself in arguments a lot.

This is one area of life that many of us struggle with. In our book, Phoenix Soul, the writing you are referring to comes from the reflection entitled "Respect." The line reads "All battles end with one combatant left." If you think about this for a moment, it makes perfect sense. When in an argument with a loved one, if one of the two parties could hold their tongue early in the disagreement, the battle would end quickly. Few of us would regularly continue to fight if our partner was no longer a part of the struggle. Yet how often do we do this? Many times, we will continue "the war" to prove we are right . . . when in the end no one usually wins anyway. But the need to be right is so strong with many of us that we continue to battle. Try to remember early in an argument that you have the control to stop it by simply ceasing to participate. Then a while later, you can ask your partner to talk to you about the issue when emotions have cooled off. I do know there may be times when arguments can be important and can actually lead to a cleansing amongst two people, but much of our petty disagreements can be ended with much less hurt when one person decides to let the other one "win" by removing themselves from the situation. As we always discuss, make sure you are journaling or writing about your frustrations too, as it will help bring to the surface submerged feelings that only fester if left inside.

I enjoy your open-mindedness in regard to spirituality and religion — there are many paths to God. I was raised Catholic, converted to Judaism when I married and have learned many wonderful things from both beliefs. A friend is contemplating becoming a Muslim. Do you have any information about their way, their system?

It seems like one of the greatest lessons you've learned from both of your religious experiences is the power of non-judgment. I just love that and congratulations to you for acknowledging the multiple ways to God. A recent article I saved from USA Today listed the following information about Islam, one of the three biggest religions with more than one billion followers. Muslims believe in one God (called Allah in Arabic), the holy book, Koran, was given to the prophet Mohammed through an angel, Gabriel. They believe in life after death, predestination, hell and heaven and worship in a Mosque. Five major beliefs: (1) there is one God; (2) prayer, five times each day; (3) tithing or purifying contribution of 2.5% of one's net wealth to the poor; (4) during the month of Ramadan, no food, liquid or sex from sunrise to sunset; (5) all should attempt, if possible, a pilgrimage to Mecca, Saudi Arabia.

Do you believe in sex pheromones? Are they worth investing in?

Several months ago on one of the major television news magazines they featured Dr. Winnifred Cutler, a leading researcher on synthesized human phermones. These substances are supposed to increase your attractiveness to others but do not act as aphrodisiacs. In the television segment, identical twins were sent into a bar at different times, one wearing a perfume with the unscented pheromone in it, while the other wore just the perfume. The results were quite amazing as the woman wearing the pheromone-enhanced perfume attracted five times as many men to her. Of course, there are no guarantees with this product, but if you would like more information, contact the Athena Institute (610-827-2200).

My mother just turned 81 years old and is doing great but I know at some point she may need to live in an environment that offers daily assistance for shopping or cooking. My brother wants to wait a while before we talk to her about this. Any ideas will be appreciated.

According to most senior organizations, the time to discuss this is now and with your mother. There are many options available today that we did not have even ten years ago. Speak to your local clergy about options and what organizations they have worked with that they would recommend. The National Aging Information Center (NAIC) can give you the name of an agency on aging in your area (800-677-1166). Also, Rosalynn Carter's book Helping Yourself Helping Others: A Book for Caregivers is very helpful. Share this information with your brother and encourage him to be active in this decision beginning today.

Two weeks ago you quoted a study about people who have sex without asking their partners about their sexual histories. I wonder why? Also, how long should one know somebody before intimacy and physical contact occur?

This study was quite interesting: Rutgers University asked 90 women about this very issue and 60% said they had not discussed sexual histories before intercourse. I can only imagine that they may have felt embarrassed to bring up the topic, maybe they were afraid of hearing the truth. Whatever the reason, I hope through our show and this web site we can be one of the conduits to change this statistic. Many people have walked away from a relationship with more than just a heartache: chlamydia, herpes, genital warts, and of course HIV. Going slower, talking honestly about our past encounters, and using condoms should all be part of building a relationship. And why not hold off on intercourse if you're unsure of your "heart," and your partner's physical status regarding sexually transmitted diseases? As we've stated many times, there are wonderful ways to please one another without intercourse. Create a path that feels safe and right for you. Whether it's wearing protection, abstaining from intercourse and even abstinence until marriage . . . think about how you want to live now and get clear about this. Then you'll be less apt to slip in the heat of the moment.

You had a sex therapist on your show recently. I would like to know the spelling of her name and a list of her books.

Barbara Keesling, Ph.D. is by far one of the most knowledgeable, entertaining and spiritual sex therapists I have ever met or interviewed. She really does want couples to explore their intimacy, to get past "performance" and into a deeper connection with their partner. Her books include How to Make Love All Night, Sexual Healing, Sexual Pleasure, Super Sexual Orgasm, and Talk Sexy to the One You Love.

I am 21 years old and have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year and a half. We are very open with each other, and talk to each other about all of our concerns. We have been sexually active, but I feel like my values are catching up with me, and now I feel like we should wait until we are married. I was raised Catholic, and naturally feel guilty about everything and having sex before marriage has made that little voice in the back of my head speak up. So, my question for you is how do we deal with the choice of abstaining from sex until we are married, when we have already been sexually active? It seems to backwards to both of us, and although we wish we had done things differently, it isn't healthy to regret the things we've done.

Being raised Catholic myself, I know all too well the trappings of guilt, so here goes . . . Be true to YOUR inner feelings, not those dictated by any organization. Make up your own mind about how you want to lead your life, as long as you are not consciously hurting someone else. Remember, all organizations' rules, even religious ones, are created by humans who are not perfect. Some of these rules may or may not fit you and me. Describe for yourself on paper the benefits to YOU, not society or the church, of abstaining from sex. Have your boyfriend do the same. Get into your emotions, take the time to do this. Then share these writings together. Your past is your past . . . nothing more, nothing less. It does not rule your decisions today. Practice saying, "I let the past go." You have not made any mistakes. Breathe deeply. If you choose to remain sexual, do it consciously with love and admiration for each other. If you choose to abstain, you can still please each other in so many other ways physically and mentally. I do admire your decision of leading a spiritually based life. I know that my existence is blessed every day by turning to God for his love and guidance. I believe in a loving God who does not judge us, but who wants us to strive to be the best we can every day. You will not make a mistake in your decision.

I have heard you mention a telephone number for a support group helping parents to deal with their teenage children. Could you please tell me the name and contact information as I need HELP!

The organization is Toughlove Association (1-800-333-1069). They have support groups throughout the U.S. to help you deal with teenage or adult children in difficult relationships. Good luck!

There are so many relationship enhancing programs available today, but I don't know which one would be best for me. Can you list your favorites here?

There is an organization in Washington, D.C. that I would recommend you call -- sort of like a clearinghouse for relationship enhancement programs, books and audios. The Coalition for Marriage, Family & Couples Education. Their phone number is 202-362-3332 or visit their web site.

During your broadcast, you talked about what keeps relationships strong. You said something very beautiful that I wish I could remember. That very beautiful something is the number one thing that keeps couples together and passion was number two.

According to research from a study at Gilbert Community College, the most essential quality in a marriage is that the couple share a deep intimacy which can be defined as the deep sharing of resources and feelings, intensity of love (liking someone intensely). Passion or sexual compatibility was rated second. Not surprisingly, choosing a partner who is a best friend enhances the longevity of the relationship. The "depth and breadth" of your intimate exchanges is the friendship quality that actually can be enhanced over time. Put your intention here and watch your relationship prosper.

My 13 year old daughter listens to you and said you made a comment that couples argue over the same topic 70% of the time. Is it true?

According to Dr. John Gottman, his research with almost 700 couples proved this to be true. And he went on to say that this probably means these consistent "issues of contention" are impossible to solve. Now, this immediately hit home with me and it brings up the question, "Why do I feel I have to be right?" Why can't we allow our partners to be who they are, accept them, and allow reoccurring battles to die out. Remember every battle disappears when there is only one combatant left. Yet we continue to struggle with our lover by hanging on to the need to be right. So we can continue to be right (yes, they always are late), or we can start to practice the loving art of letting go. To go a little further with this thought, check out Susan Page's book How One of You Can Keep the Two of You Together.

Your guest, Dr. Wayne Dyer mentioned something about playing down our egos and letting patience be a guide to resolutions. Could you let me know what that phrase was? It is very hard for two people to come to a resolution in an argument when they both are stubborn and refuse to change their stance.

Dr. Dyer's quote was, "We can choose in any interpersonal relationship to be right or to be kind." The quote really hit home with me as well. I can think of many times when my need to be right overshadowed the argument, leading of course to a total breakdown in communication. We can learn and we can change, but remember this quote is not meant to be taken as being "black or white." There are times when we need to protect ourselves from someone's abuse, where being kind may not be an option. Getting support from friends and counselors is needed here. His new book Manifest Your Destiny is wonderful.

Several weeks ago I tuned in to a discussion about marriage coaches. It sounded like something my wife and I might be interested in trying. We've done marriage "therapy" and it didn't seem to get us moving forward. Any ideas?

There are many excellent programs available including PAIRS (888-724-7748), Partners, Pre-Marriage Program (610-272-5555), Option Institute (800-71HAPPY), Prep Couple Seminars (303-750-8798), and Prep video, audio and books (800-366-0166).

You've had a guest on several times -- a sex therapist who created a series of intimacy videos. He sounded interesting, but isn't this all just pornographic material that is mainly degrading women? If not, who could benefit? Love your show, you have a ton of listeners in Rhode Island.

The guest's name is Dr. Michael Perry, a sex therapist who has created more than 20 videos on sexual intimacy. These are "soft" videos, very well done, not exploitive or degrading at all. For couples who would like to learn more about how to please their partners or themselves both mentally and physically, these videos would be a major help. Also, for people who have specific sexual problems, these videos can help along with a therapist, too. To order call 1-800-772-0708.